Emmet's Life The Comedy
by pockadottiehottie
Summary: Emmett's Life is far from ordinary. With the crazy life as a vampire, his wacko family, his addiction to laughing at Bella's human reactions, and his experiments that result in broken game systems, you'll never want to stop reading. Emmett's POV is best!
1. Prologue    Bad Kitty

In the life of Emmett

(The Comedy)

Prologue- Bad Kitty

"Emmett!" Rosalie yells from the kitchen. " Is there a cat in this house?"

Oh No,... " Um, NO! Why would you say that?" I ask her, walking in. She turns around, and stares at me.

" Um, maybe the fact that the receipt has cat toys, cat food, cat beds, and the dead give away..." She points to the sofa...

The brand new sofa. Scratches tear through the leather. Crap. Bat cat, bad, bad, bad cat!

Play it cool, I tell myself. "How did that get there?" Maybe she will believe me, this time...

"You are experimenting with the cat, aren't you? How many times have I told you not to experiment with animals? Let us remember the baby pigeon."

We stop, and I remember. The poor pigeon, it was only a baby. It had fallen from its nest, and broken both wings! So I bit it, being a vampire has advantages... Immortality, for one. nothing could hurt the bird. Other than Rosalie. After she saw it on the news, (It flew into the windshield of a huge semi, and broke the driver skull, not to mention the poor window.) She Went over to NASA, And bird-napped it. Then she put it through my bill shredder, and the took the long, flat strips, and through them in the fire place.

"Ok," I say, "No More Pets."

"Thank you." She says before walking outside.

"I'll just get a bat...Ha.." I mutter.

" NO ANIMALS, EMMETT!!!!! Don't make me tell Carlisle!" She yells stepping back in. I moan, and go to the game room. I turn on the Wii, and play whatever game is in it currently.

" What the ...?" I say. The Wii stopped working...

" Promise Emmett?" She says.

" Fine, electricity back on, please?"

I hear her evil cackle, and the Wii start to run again.

" Evil-vampire-she devil-creature." I mutter. The Wii stops working.

"What?" She yells. I hate her power. We recently discovered that she could make electricity stop, and start... All I have is my strength... Can you say boring?

" I said it was stupid to experiment on the bird!" I yell. And just like magic, the Wii starts working.

Did you Like it? Or hate it? Please leave a review so we can make it better.

Thank you...


	2. Chapter 1      Bad Ideas

In the life of Emmett

(The Comedy)

Chapter 1- Bad Ideas

"I cannot believe you..."Alice trails off. Ever since Rosalie told them, I have been given praise by Jasper and Edward, And constant, why-did-you-do-that's from Esme, Alice, and Carlise. (When they aren't around...)

"Hey, I was bored." I protest, " It's been hard for me lately, not hunting in what, forever?"

"We all went this morning!" She laughs, I shrug,

"Whatever." I mutter.

"Hey, I invented WHATEVER!"

"Whatever you say, Madonna."I laugh, and get up. I run out and into the game room, before she can hit me with her shopping bags. All 63 of them...

" Emmett!" Edward calls from outside. "Bella's here."

" Coming!" I yell. Bella, Edward's human girlfriend, soon to be wife, is the funniest thing since I Love Lucy. I LOVE watching her human reactions to our vampire lives, and that she falls down A LOT, even on a flat surface. Some times, I wonder,if she is the reason Edward is ALWAYS telling me to stop laughing at her...nah, he's just weird, right?I walk out, and give her a hug.

" Emmett! I-Can't-Breathe!" She chockes out.

"Welcome to my world.Glad to see you, alive." I say.

" Surprizing,no?" Edward adds. We both laugh and she sighs.

" I would rather be Rosalie and Alice's Barbie Doll than be made fun of." She mutters.I smile, and open my mouth.

" Oh dear?And sister Ali-"

"NNNOOOOO!!!!!!!" She screams.Too late, like always. Alice had run in, and she grabs her arms.

"You asked for it..."Alice giggles.

" I need to keep my stupid mouth shut."

" Bad Idea! The only way to win against, her, is to say you'll burn down the malls. ALL OF THEM." I Suggest.Alice scowls, and I laugh.Bella has an evil smile, and runs to her car. We all follow,laughing.My life ROCKS!!!!! Mostly.

" I know I have some matches in here somewhere!" She yells, digging through her truck. I laugh,and Alice screams.

"DO AND DIE, BELLA!!!" She yells, pulling Bella, by the butt, out of her car.Edward joins me in my laughter." DO AND DIE!!!"'

" What is going on here?" Esme asks coming out.

" Bella and I are planning to burn down all the malls." I say. Esme runs over to me.

"DO AND DIE." She mutters. I laugh.

" That's A VERY BAD IDEA!" Carlisle yells from the door. He is next to Esme in a flash. Bella jumps.I laugh,again.Told you she's funny.Edward laughs, but a nervous- don't-threaten-to-kill-her-laugh.

"Sorry,Bella.But One time I accidently burnt down a house we lived at in Alaska, and not one female in this house forgave me. They still are mad about that..."

" I guess we can do it while they are hunting. Wait,Bad idea,right?" I ask, everyone nods.

"BAD IDEA." They say in usion.


	3. Chapter 2 Teddy Bear

In The Life Of Emmett

(The Comedy)

Chapter 2- Teddy Bear

"Okay, Bella.You hit her on the back of the head, and I'll get the car started." I whisper behind the door. She screams, and Edward runs in.

"EMMETT!" She puts her hand over her heart. I start cracking up.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOU FACE!!" I say.

"What did you do to her?" Edward asks.

"He snuck up on me! How can you be so big, and be as quite as a mouse?"

"Easy." I start, "You walk slowly, and try not to laugh, I almost did."

" Why?"

"WHY?" Edward and I repeat.

"yeah, why?"

"I thought of the expression one might see on your face. But it wasn't nearly as funny as the one you really have."

"SHUT UP."

"WHY?" I mimic. Edward laughs, and Bella sticks out her tongue.

"Where's my big teddy bear?" Rosalie runs in laughing.

"SHUT UP." I whine, mimicing Bella at the same time. She sticks out her tongue again.

" Why? That's cool, Rosalie." Bella says. We all gasp. NO WAY. BELLA JUST COMPLIMENTED ROSALIE!! Rosalie, slightly laughing, smiles.

"Thanks. Hey, Alice is about to burn her wardrobe, as part of her new 12- step, self-help-to-stop-shopping-program. Want to watch?"

"Sure. I _HAVE_ to see this." Bella answers. They skip out, giggling.

" Did I miss something?" I ask. Edward nods.

"Everyday, they are nicer to each other, but WHY?"

" Whatever.I have no idea. Let's go point and laugh." I say.

" WHERE IS MY _TEDDY BEAR_?" Bella and Rosalie walk in yelling. I immitate Bella, and stick out my tongue. Bella walks over, glowing. OH CRAP!

" WHAT?" I ask, eyeing her. She giggles. DON'T DO IT!

"Nothing." She says. " Look, I am so sorry," She pauses, with an evil smile, "It must not be held against you that you're as mean as Alice and Jasper when you play jokes on me, when you look like a cute, cuddly, teddy bear." Rosalie cackles, and grabs Bella's arm. They skurry out,whispering, giggling, and cackling .

"Oh, I am sorry about that. but you are going to be okay, right? That's a compliment since teddy bears are usually cute. She lied about that part. All actually..."

"SHUT UP! They have been doing this every day!" I yell, intrupting Edward.

" Oh, fine then. She wasn't lying."He laughs, and runs in to Rosalie's room. I hear them laugh quietly, so i plan to get them back. I run into the kitchen, grab the biggest knife in the house, (the butcher's), and walk quietly to the room.

"Hey, Bella? Would you peek to see if Emmett's outside?" Edward asks.He must know my plan.she turns the knob, andedward pulls her out of the knife's way.

" _HOW'S THIS FOR A CUTE TEDDY BEAR NOW? BOO HAHA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_I yell, kicking down the door. Bella and Rosalie cling to each other, screaming at the top of their lungs. Edward high-fives me, and helps Bella up. I help Rosalie up, and they both slap me.

" Meanie." They mutter, and walk out.

"Nice teddy," Edward jokes. I punch his arm, and run out, and into my room.


	4. Chapter 3 The Teddy Bear Is Scared

Emmett's Life

The Comedy

Chapter 3-The Teddy Bear Is Scared.

"PLEASE! JUST ONE BITE!" Alice whines. I shake my head.

"NO!'' I say again. "I want to keep this baby bear! No EATING it!!!" Yet...

" Oh, come on, now , Emmett! We haven't hunted in a month! I might snap at Bella." Jasper says.

" Speaking of," Rosalie starts. She pulls Bella out of the kitchen, and into the dining room. Bella is eating a muffin.

" Did _ESME_ cook that?" We ask in usion. I set the bear down. Soon, I will release it into the wild, and hunt it later on...

No," She laughs. "It's Rosalie who made it. Surprizingly, it hasn't crumbled to dust yet."

"Thanks, Bella. I am surprized you are alive to eat it. You should have fallen on the air by now."

"Hardy har har. Oh, guess who called yesterday. _About you. Rosalie_..." Edward walks in,laughing. And Alice and Jasper walk out.

"Who? That Mike Newton gutbag?" She asks. I laugh.

" Likely."Edward and I mutter in usion.

"Hey, that ggggguuuuuttttttbbbbaaaaagggggg, is my frienddddddd ddddooooo yyyoooouuu uuunnndddeeerrrssstttaaannndd mmmmmmeeeeee?"

"WHAT?!?!" I ask laughing.The baby bear circle Bella, growling.

"I said that gutbag is a very good friend of mine. and then I asked if she speaks stupid, in stupid of coure." She answers. Okay, that's it. It's hard enogh not laughing like a hynna in a straitjacket normaly.

"Oh,---- I can----- gra---en----teeeeee------ that------ she can------- speak--------- stupid----------!" I say as I die of laughter. Rosalie sticks out her tongue.

" You can't even talk right. It sound like you said gra-ente-ee, not guarantee."

" I did say guarantee, it just sounded weird 'cause I was laughing.." Noe the bear circles Rosalie

"I realy hate this bear. Just why do we have to keep it?" Rosalie asks.

" Watch!" I say. I go over to the bear, and tap its back. It rolls onto its back, and I rub its stomach.

" Scotla gadnerg!" Edward yells, pointing to Rosalie. The bear jumps up, and runs over to Rosalie and Bella, screaming, and holding on to each other, for dear life.

"Not----- Funny!" Bella chockes out. I walk over and help them down from the couch.

" Igin sonobole!" Rosalie screams at the bear, pointing to a huge daddy long legs on the wall.

"Oh NO!!!!! NO, NO, NO!!!" I yell. The baby bear, who I wish to name Piccolo, or Little, in Italian, goes to the spider, picks it up in its mouth, and bring it to Rosalie.

"Tol sacka." She adds pointing to me. Crap. I hate spiders, creepy, ugly, hairy, eight legged spiders. _EWWW!!!!!_

Piccolo walks over, her baby bear butt waddling behind. I scream like a girl, run out of the room, and into the kitchen..Piccolo follows, but not as fast. I hear Bella and Rosalie cackle. _Did Edward just **giggle**????????_

"Your teddy bear is scared, of spiders. Oh, that is cute."

" Oh, where, oh where, has our teddy bear gone? Oh where, oh where has he been?" Bella and Rosalie sing.

"He's been planning you death!" I yell. I slowly walk back out, and make a run to my room. Almost half way there, I run into Bella. Right into her. As in, running smack in the middle. She flies into the couch at the end of the hallway, laughing. I fly into a wall.

"What the heck?" Edward yells. "BELLA!!!!" He runs to her immedately, following the rest of the group. Rosalie runs over to me first, as does Jasper.

" OH MY GOD! SHE"S LOST IT!!!!" Alice yells.

" NO," Bella starts, trying to stop laughing. " I just flew 20 feet, AND I AM _STILL_ ALIVE!!"

"I am sorry Bella. _Really_, I am." I say. I walk over, and her laughter gets worse.

"Alice! Call Carlisle. She's fading, her mind is slowly slipping." I mutter. Bella and Edward both hit me.

" I am fine!" She giggles. " But i wish i could say the same for you in a moment."

"Bella, you just flew in the air 30 feet, not 20, from hitting into a crazy vampire, hard. And you say you are just happy ang gleeful?"

_" Positively, I am SOOOOOOO FINE."_

" WHY?" We ask. She points to my sholder. I gasp, feeling a long, hairy, creepy, thin group of legs moving on my shoulder.

" OH MY _GGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD_!!!!!!!!!!" I scream. I start running around in circles, screaming, and hoping it will fall off. It does.

""Your teddy bear is scared, of spiders. That is funny." Edward and Alice say in usion.

" Teddy Bear my _BUTT!"_ Rosalie yells. " He's more of a big bull dog puppy!" She cackles, I walk into my bedroom, and turn on the TV.

" I am here at the residece of Cheif Swan. He and his daughter were not home at the time the fire started, but luckly, the Dr.Carlisle Cullen, and his wife Esme saw it happen, and called the fire department." the announcer says.

"BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream. They run in, and watch the news with me.

"Victoria!!" She screams, pointing to her face in the backgorund.

" Let's GO!" Edward yells.

"What about Bella?" Rosalie asks, " She can't go!"

" WHY NOT? I WILL BE PREFEC---"

" Alice, Jasper, you stay with Bella. Don't let her out of her sight!!!! Do fall for another trick!!! Du can't let her go alone anywhere, for any reason.!!"

" Edward! I don't think this is righ--------"She is interrupted by Edward, who gives her a quick kiss, and runs out.

" You're going to be fine." I mutter, and run out. Rosalie follows close behind.

Did you Like it? Or hate it? Please leave a review so we can make it better.

Thank you...


	5. Chapter 4    Secrets

Emmett's Life

The Comedy

Chapter 4-Secrets

"Victoria, don't hurt Charlie." Edward says. He's careful not to say anything about vampires. Charlie has no clue. She cackles.

"Where is the girl?" She hisses.

"Away from you." I yell.

"Why? Is there something this human doesn't know? Does the daughter know more about this clan, yet the father has know them longest? Have you told only the daughter your secrets? What about the---"

" Stop." I interrupt her rampage. "What is the point of killing Bella again?" Charlie gasps through the gag.

"She should die, like James did! He," She points at Edward, "He should suffer a life-long pain for a lost love like I will."

"I was going to!" Edward hisses "Thanks to James! There was no reason to try and kill Bella, But that's what he almost did! If it wasn't for my family and I, she would be dead! All of her family!"

"Please, can't we be civil?" Carlisle pleads.

"NO!" We yell. I walk closer to Victoria, she walks back.

"Keep away!" She hisses. Rosalie unties Charlie, helps him up, and walks towards the car. Victoria makes a leap to stop them, but Edward and I stop her. While Edward rips her into pieces, I pull out a match from my pocket, and light it. He lays the pieces on the ground, and I put the lit match in the middle of the fire. Within seconds, she is in flames, and we walk towards the car causally.

"What did you mean when you said Bella almost died?!" Charlie asked as we opened the door.

"Charlie, please. Not to offend you at all, but Bella is a danger magnet." Edward starts.

"Yes, we all know that! But what happened? I need to know what happens to my daughter! I forbid you to come within a mile of her unless I know!!!!" Charlie yells.

"Charlie?" Esme asks. "My husband and I will be happy to tell you all about it, after we are sure you are going to be in no need of medical assistance."

"WHAT?" He asks, sounding confused. "All I want is to see my daughter, and if you try to stop me I will have to arrest you."

" Charlie, we would never even try to separate you from Bella. All they want to do is make sure you're not hurt." Rosalie explains.

"Where is she?" He asks.

"With Alice and Jasper at our house."

"Why didn't she come?"

"Because Victoria wanted to kill her." I put in.

" WANTED?" Charlie is alarmed now.

"She is gone now."

"YOU KILLED HER?!?!?" Is he going to have a heart attack?

"No,"

"Then how--?"

"DAD!!" Bella yells, running to the car. We jump out, and Bella runs over to Charlie.

"Bells, are you okay?" Charlie asks, hugging her.

"Me??? Yeah, are you?"

"I am going to be fine. What did they mean you almost died?"

"EDWARD!!" Bella whines, glaring at him. He shrugs.

"Victoria said it."

"Dad, are you sure you're okay????"

"ISABELLA!"

"What?"

"I demand you tell me about EVERY time you almost died."

"I can't."

"WHY NOT?" He demands.

"Edward, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"NO, not until you tell me." Charlie answers for him. Bella pulls away from Charlie, and walks towards me and Ed. Charlie sighs.

"Fine dad, I will tell you. Every second of my life I am in danger of dying. Look at me!! I was born that way! When was the last time I didn't break a bone? Or fall? How about when I almost died by the semi? Ooh, ooh, remember when I was electrocuted? Then the next day I was struck by lightening. Good times. Very Normal. For me."

"Bella, I want to know." Charlie says.

"Well, I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because?" Charlie repeats. "What? Is there something I haven't been told? That is dangerous? Or that is hideous? You know, Esme, I think I will take you and Carlisle up on the offer to explain to me, since my daughter won't."

"Certainly." Carlisle says, and leads everyone in, but Ed, Rose, Bella and I stay outside.

"Is he going to tell him?" She asks.

"I doubt it. He is most likely to make up an excuse." Edward assures her.

"I have to get out of here." She says, waving us of. She walks over to her red truck, and Edward stops her.

"Where are you going?"

"Jacob's." She responds, getting in. Edward laughs, and pulls her out.

"Says who?"

"Me. If you want Charlie of my back, I have to make up with Jacob. It's the only way."

"You do know that if you go back, they'll try to hold you 'hostage', or offer you and your dad to stay, which is what your dad is hoping for, before we can do any thing."

"So, what does it matter?"

"What does it matter? It matters that your father is hoping you will go down, make up with Jacob, and be offered to stay with them. And the fact that he knows we aren't allowed anywhere near the reservation."

"I'm a big girl."

"Bella, if we are going to get married, I don't want you going places that are dangerous, and where I can't be with you." Edward whispers. Rosalie and I gasp.

"OH MY GOD!" Rosalie squeals. She pulls out her phone, and sends a text message to Alice and Jasper. In 2 seconds, Alice's scream is heard. Bella slaps Edward.

"I HATE YOU NOW."

"Ooh, I'm scared, now. What are you going to do?"

"Tell my father to go to the reservation _with_ me." She responds quickly. She runs to her car, and jumps in. She pulls out her phone and dials his number. Edward quickly runs over, and shuts the phone. He pulls her out of the car, and sets her down on side of the truck.

"Let go." She warns.

"Will you drop this ridiculous idea of going to see Jacob?" He asks, warning her to do as he says.

"No, but I will cancel the wedding, and scream for my father. And then I will absolutely never ever talk to you again. How's that?"

"Not fair."

"How so?"


End file.
